Utterly Stupid Vulnerability

I always thought that we had a lot in common. From the things we shared with each other and could relate to, I wouldn't think it impossible for us to pass as siblings. But that's not what I wanted. I wanted to be more than a sister to him. Now looking back, I'm pretty sure he wanted different things. A different person. One of my best friends. And he was willing to go behind my back to get her.

Technically, we met two years ago, in French class. I wish I'd known right then not to trust him the great amount that I did. If only I'd known he be the first to break not just my heart, but something much more deep and hidden from most people in my life. The day I actually got to meet and talk to him was during last year on the first day of school, as he was placed in the same class as I. I'll admit, the first few days I would occasionally find him to be a slight annoyance, but by the start of the second week of school, I was already falling for him. I hate to say it like that because I'm still very young and not even allowed to date; what do I know about this kind of compassion, about love.

Still, my world began to revolve around him. I was constantly thinking about him and did lots of things in an attempt to impress him (to my surprise, some even worked). Every time I saw him or heard his name in some conversation that may not have even involved me, I would get that feeling. It started deep in my stomach, working it's way out, getting stronger with seconds until it got to the point where I couldn't stop smiling and I'd loose myself in thoughts during classes and conversations. I would feel so light and giddy.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about the boy, I'd have exactly one dollar because I thought about him once and never stopped. Some may call this feeling "Love." I call it "Utterly Stupid Vulnerability."

When he turned, I felt like I'd lost him. Like I'd lost myself. The things we told each other, the secrets we shared, the pinky-promises we made; all gone. I have never been able to trust anyone so full-heartedly until I met him. I never felt alone because some of the things I was going through or felt, he was experiencing as well. I didn't even care if he liked me back. I was just happy I had someone almost like me. Almost.

The only bad thing was that he was a complete jerk to my friends. I should have known that was a bad sign, but I just excused it. I believed he would change. He changed, alright, just not in the way I wanted.

In the end, this boy who was my world ended up telling the girl I had been friends with since grade one that I hated her. Not true. And she ended up turning all my previous friends completely against me. That included a girl I had been friends with since pre-school. We were going to be friends forever, that is, if  "forever" ended nine and a half months ago. Not fair. And to make it all worse, I went through half the school year and the entire summer until I found out.

To this day, this boy is a complete jerk most of the time. He makes me so mad that I'll even start crying. Despite this, I'm still not over him. After all, it is hard to forget about a person you trusted your life with. He did teach me a valuable lesson, however: Watch who you trust because sometimes people can change as fast as a strobe light.

I've never truly loved someone unconditionally, but the closest I've ever gotten to it was him.

Inner Demon

I hate what I am becoming and the temptations I feel. It's not what I'm used to nor whom I thought I was. Anger overwhelms me and in my mind, the only way out is violence. Or writing. But I don't always have access to the latter.

Lately, I've been finding that I get frustrated or extremely angry at people for the silliest, smallest, and stupidest things. I can get so worked up over one matter that if anybody does a single thing that bothers me just a little, I snap. Of course, you don't usually see this on the outside. It's like a calm before the storm situation. One minute I'll be completely quiet and reserved, and as soon as someone does something to push me just a little further, I'll be shouting.

Sometimes I get so worked up about something that I find a desire to hurt or injure the cause of my annoyance. Severely. I hate it.

I don't think that it's necessarily anger management issues, just that I don't usually show anger around anyone and I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. After holding it in for so long, the need to explode into a billion different rants about things that happened a year ago becomes something that's getting harder and harder to hide away and gain control of.

I don't even want to talk about it in detail because I fear the things I see myself doing to certain individuals in my head. What's wrong with me?

Underrated, Underestimated.

I'm tired to being expected to portray that certain image that almost every teenage girl strives for. So what if I prefer to wear my hair in a pony-tail? And last time I checked, it's ok, if not normal, to have never had a boyfriend by the age of fourteen. I'll admit that it does sound silly to hide from boys who have tried to ask me out, but I'm just not ready or in need of a boyfriend. Why would you even care that I listen to my iPod every time I get the chance, giving the impression that I'm obsessed with it and Owl City (which is often what is playing)? No, I don't wear eyeliner or mascara on the bottom of my eye, but that doesn't give you an excuse to make fun of me for it. Or any of these things. I'm trying my hardest to ignore these defeating comments, but it's getting really hard. And when you mix all this with every other bit of drama and sadness in my life, it really begins to beat at me. Break me down until I'm hanging by half a thread that's being cut at by the minute.

There. I finally put into words how I feel about how the people around me treat and act towards me. Most of the comments like or relating to this come from my friends, and occasionally my family. Surprisingly, I don't think I've ever had a "hate comment" from someone who hasn't been my friend. How's that for a sudden realization. I guess that really says something about the people I apparently like to be around. I use the word "apparently" because I haven't really felt any real emotion besides loneliness or sadness in a while. At least, I think that's how I felt. I'm really not sure.

I don't know why I stick to these people instead of confronting them about the things they say and do. Maybe it's because I've had friend troubles in the past. Maybe it's because of "him," that I've shrunk down and refused to enlarge my circle of companions and learn to trust again. But that leads to a different tale of lies, secrets, back-stabbers, and jerks. Not what I'm trying to get at here.

I think that's it's quite plain and out-there that I am not like some of the other girls my age. Unfortunately, they still don't know that. Perhaps they don't even care. They don't want to take the time to get to know me, to learn that I write in my free time; I admire the friend who just so happens not to make fun of me; music means a lot to me, as does reading; I tend to hide my emotions to my breaking point; I'm still not over him; I'm tired of being next-to-best; I fantasize about conversations of events that I know for a fact will never happen; or that I'm a true romantic just afraid of romance. Quite silly, I'm aware. But, they just don't care. Either that, or they merely don't notice that I find the amount of attention they give to be quite disrespectful. I think I'll take the latter.