Recovery

The rough, grey waves are rolling in and all you want to do is jump from one rooftop to another out of fear of getting caught because having the wave’s crash and compress you is worse than the risk and result of a fall during the pursuit of escape. You've come so far from where you were, from the island surrounded by calm, blue sea. After years of isolation and the tropical storms that overwhelmed the island and left the surrounding sea untouched, a path of sharp stone rose out of the water and led you to the shores of the real world. As you followed the path, the rocks transformed to sand and your small, hesitant steps turned to a sprint for the finish as the palm trees and side-walks appeared in the distance. You reached the shore and the food tasted sweet and the air was no longer thick and the sky had only the occasional cloud. You live and enjoy your new life on this land but soon you remember the island from which you arrived. A feeling unlike homesickness, but similar to desperation envelops you. How could life change so fast? How could you have ever imagined that your time on the island would no longer affect you in your new life on the shore? So many years were spent on that island; it's a part of you. It always will be. You can eat the food of this new world all you want but you cannot forget. Sometimes you feel overwhelmed by the memories and emotions that the island provided you. Sometimes you barely remember you once called that ancient land home. And sometimes you can't believe you ever survived the escape. However, no matter the extent of which the transforming path of rocks may entice you to return to your past, you know you will never step foot on it again. Or you hope. Who knows? Maybe the new food of the new world will stop tasting so sweet and you'll return to the island in all its apathetic glory without even knowing, forced to find that stone path once again.

Sick Day

Today, as I lay couch-ridden and stuffy-nosed, I viewed a film called Eat, Pray, Love. This show has been on the TV listings countless and repetitive times, and I really cannot remember what it was that stopped be from watching it at each given opportunity. Maybe its consistent appearance was a sign telling me to watch it because someone, somewhere knew the effect it would have on me. Maybe now that I've actually sat through the whole movie, it'll never appear on television again. Who knows?

Actually, those last two words pretty much summarize the entire movie. I'm not sure if you've ever seen it, and if you haven't, I'm only going to include the basic details as to spare you the pain of having this wonderful movie's plot and ideas spoiled. Basically, An unhappy woman travels to three different destinations over the course of a year and rediscovers herself. I understand that that may sound a bit cliché, but I assure you, the film in it's entirety is not.

Travel has always sparked a sort of curiosity inside of me and I've grown to understand that it can have an effect on the person you (think you) are, so just the fact that three very beautiful and interesting destinations were featured in the film fuelled my desire to watch it enough, let alone the entire idea the movie was meant to portray. Many notable quotes aside, this movie really did leave me wondering what I was doing with my life. If I want something, I should go for it. If I love someone, I should tell them. If I have the opportunity to help another, I should do all I can to make a change. If I'm tired of the life I'm living right now, there are so many ways I can change it. And, like I said, who knows?! Who knows what will happen? Most likely, the end result will always be better than what I entered the situation with.

I was also reminded of all my friends and acquaintances. The other day I was sitting in class watching everyone else in the room not to be creepy, but just to observe. I watched their faces, they way their mouthes moved and their eyes displayed emotion when they spoke, they way they looked when they thought they weren't being seen. Reality hit me like a brick: All these people, all their lives, how much they've grown and changed and lived and felt and learned and remembered and forgotten. How beautiful they all are. Looking at their faces, I realized that all those people had lived their lives in just the right way for them to enter and alter mine and many others. They all made the choices to get here, to be alive in this very spot. Maybe some are happy, and maybe some aren't, but I hope they all remember they have the power to change their lives in so many ways, and that that power can be used whenever they feel like it.

At any time things can change. So: Who knows? That's what this movie taught me. I acknowledge the fact that there were other and deeper meanings to the movie, but this was the thought that stuck with me the most when the credits began to roll.

I write this mostly as a reminder to myself to (read the book and) remember that message. The message of Who Knows. Because really, who does?

L'Esprit et La Vie

Wednesday, January 30, 2013 1:04 AM

In this moment, even though my life is still a mess, I'm happy. I feel confident in and with myself, and I'm not worrying about the past, present, nor future. It feels good; So good I wish I could write it in all caps as if that will somehow accurately express the emotions I'm openly embracing. I feel so good that I don't even care if I just used that semicolon (or any other one in my entire life) incorrectly!

You wanna know what's odd? I really have no idea as to why I'm feeling so… wonderful. I still have to wake up tomorrow and face all of the road-blocks and speed-bumps that are bound to intrude the road I will travel. I still have to work out impossible solutions to less impossible problems, and remember that I have a 'successful future' to plan. I can't forget all of my responsibilities in this world, but right now, it feels as if I have.

I long to run through the streets in the middle of the night, sing into the midnight air, meet a stranger and become best friends for a day, and feel the rain on my skin in the heat of a summer's afternoon. And yes, I know these are a bit ironic considering it's the middle of winter, minus twenty or thirty-whatever degrees outside, and that there's a few feet of snow straight out my front door, but hey! A girl can dream!

In only a few hours, I will have fallen asleep and woken up again to begin a new day. I know for a fact that I'm going to rise from my slumber and instantly wish I could fall back into it, but I'm going to live in the moment right now. I know this sense of elation won't last long, but that's okay. I'm prepared. That's why I'm writing this. I'm going to document my happiness and keep it as a record. Whenever I'm feeling down in the future, I can look back upon this post and remember that, yes, there was a time when I was happy for no reason.

Sure, I may smell awful. Yeah, maybe I could lay off the (multiple) midnight snacks, but none of that seems to matter right now. I have plenty of time left in my life to fix these things and I need to remember this. My future is a mystery and there will be plenty of times when I'll feel like a piece of roadkill, but those are the moments I will learn from. The moments I will save in my heart will be the times when all the bad occurrences in my life payed off; I learned, improved, and succeeded. Moments like this, right now.

Sadness is in your head, but so is happiness. They're both there. As impossible as it seems to believe it sometimes, you just have to. Usually only one controls your mind at a time, but it doesn't have to reign for eternity. Yes, it's impossible to feel both joy and unhappiness at the same time. Emotions can change in the blink of an eye and that's perfectly okay. Sometimes, people have a harder time understanding this but don't let them keep you down. Emotion is different for everyone. In fact, everything is different for everyone. Nobody in the world is exactly the same and I hope it stays that way.

I always find that giving myself a mental pep-talk before I go to sleep puts me in a better state of mind the next day, so I'm going to write one for whomever comes across this post:

I want you to know that although I may not know you personally, you deserve happiness. Every living and non-living thing (hey, I'm not discriminatory) on this planet deserves to feel good about themselves and their lives (assuming you have one and aren't abiotic). You may worry about what is to come in your life right now, but don't we all?! You have many years ahead of you to figure out where you're going to go. When it comes down to it all, nobody knows the future. We're all in the same boat: curious, afraid, nervous, and maybe even excited at times.

Is there something you aren't pleased with right now? Fix it tomorrow! Or the next day! Or whenever! You have the power to do that. It's your life and you can live it whatever way you want. Are your parents standing in the way of you achieving your dream and instead pushing you to do what they want you to do? Well, I'm going to be blunt here, but they're going to be dead one day. Once they're dead and nobody is having such an input on your existence, are you going to be happy with the fact that you listened to them instead of your heart? Parents try to help you. All they really want is to see you succeed. The thing is, we all have different ideas of success. What does 'success' mean and look like to you? Think about this and then you may have a clearer idea of what you are going to do.

At the end of the day, all you have is you. You need to live with the decisions you make everyday, so make them positive ones. Believe in yourself, as cheesy as it sounds. I know you're capable of achieving your goals, it just might take a bit of extra hard work to get you there. Long-term or short-term goals, it doesn't matter. Perhaps you're looking years ahead at a future career or maybe you're just aiming to make it to the end of the day, every day. All that matters is that you take hold of the reins and steer yourself the way YOU want to go. I know you can do it. Maybe this is hard to take seriously coming from a fifteen-year-old girl (I refuse to acknowledge the fact that I'm actually sixteen). What do I know about anything?! Not even I know the answer to that question. What I desire at the moment is for you to live the way you want, however difficult it may be. It WILL pay off and you WILL feel good in the end. You deserve everything positive event that will come your way and these will make it worth working through the negative ones. You can do it. You can do it. I know you can. You need to know you can, too.

P.S. The song 'It's Time' - Imagine Dragons can really solve all your problems. Give it a listen when you're happy or when you're sad. Dang, dat mandolin. Also 'On Top of The World' by the same artist. C'est bon, tout les temps!

The Best Kind of Melancholy

For what have I known

If not the truth

The ways of the sun and moon

The secrets that tie

My hands to you

With silk from my own cocoon

Ache Without Blow

For once

I beg

If I am to fall

Let me be the snow

Silent, slow

Linger, I hurt

Like bare feet

In hot sand

Burn with a passion

In desolate fashion

The Eagles Like To Imagine Dragons

You know what I find amazing? How you can love someone once and then after years try to tell yourself that you've moved on, when really, you never have. Not completely, at least. It's like that one person stole your heart, shattered it into a million and three pieces, and then decided to return the ruined item except for a single shard. They cary the fragment with them everywhere they go, saved inside of them, so a piece of you is constantly missing. You only feel whole when you're around that specific person because they have what completes you. It's that missing piece that haunts me.

Every time I try to write, it ends up being about him. Every time I let my thoughts wander, he crosses their path. Everywhere I turn, another memory arises. I don't love him the way I used to any longer. I'm done trying to deny the fact that I did not love him because I was too young, or I don't even know what love is. Those are lies and I think I've finally come to terms with that. What I often tend to forget is that, as I've said in numerous past posts, he was one of my best friends. Right now, I feel like my 'romantic' love for the guy has faded and what remains now is the fact that I long to be close to him like I once was. I love him for who he is, and I don't need to be dating a person to feel this type of love. I mean, the kid is everywhere and in everything I see. It's hard not to forget about him.

Now, I've never been the type of person to be reminded of another by any sort of inanimate object or — especially — by a song. BUT WAIT. Here's the twist:

'Hotel California' - The Eagles.

'Radioactive' - Imagine Dragons.

I cannot bring myself to listen to either of these songs without thinking of him throughout the entire time. He probably doesn't even remember the moments he carved the songs into my heart and claimed them with his signature. I do. I always will. The events in which these songs became so personal were spaced years apart with very different context, and there was a contrasting connection between me and him. They were both small, insignificant situations; nothing even worth noting. The thing is, the times that weren't noteworthy were the times I loved him the most. He wasn't trying to get attention, nobody else noticed him, it was just the two of us. He was being himself — a rare sight — and I was and still am one member of the small collection of people ever lucky enough to have witnessed it (although he'd deny it, of course. Blame his ego).

Although the past few years have been a mess between us and there are many words I wish I'd said, there is one thing I'm glad I kept to myself: That I ever had feelings for him. He probably knows, but the fact that he's never had closure on that assumption (I hope) probably still leaves him wondering. He's never heard the words from my mouth and I tried, and still do try, my hardest to keep it that way.

Do you think he lies awake at night, reliving his past, and comes across me? Do you think he has the desire to discuss with me what really happened all those years ago? These are two of the infinite questions that make course through my mind nearly every day.

Did he ever feel the same way for me? Maybe, maybe not, I don't know. I don't care. If anybody does know the answer to this question, I plead that you keep the answer to yourself. I hope that I never find out. I'll be ruined either way.

Simpler

I wish the world were numb.

Pain never a factor,
hope never a dream,
feelings stay hidden.

Love is the worst.
Try to convince yourself
it will last forever.
Never knowing.

Why do I try?
All I do is hurt
when it's all
said and done.

I feel nothing and everything.
Emotions, a blur.
Am I alone?
I wish the world were numb.

Wrists

One cannot wash away pain

with visions of self-pity.

Yet when the gold rises,

The day is still dark.

How difficult it is

to look but not see.

Spend a lifetime

searching for something that is never there.

I do not place blame

on those who cannot find a reason.

I have been in their place,

still am, forever more.

I turn in my sleep

and remember the past.

The world, always grinning,

when my wrists were clean.

The future is blurred,

and you are not there.

I consider the reasons,

and remember I breathe alone.

Happy Birthday, Adam Young!

Hello, all!

Let's take this moment right now to acknowledge and celebrate this day, as it marks the birth of the incredible human being that is Adam Young.

Adam's music has and still does give me the perseverance and faith to get through difficult situations. He's been able to keep me going through the toughest of times and both he as a person and his music was what would inspire me to carry on. I can't even begin to explain how much I owe to this man for what he's been able to do for me, even though he probably doesn't even know he's done it.

I could go on for hours, but I'll keep this short and sweet (despite the fact he will probably never see this):

Happy twenty-sixth birthday, Adam Young! I hope you have a phenomenal day, because you really deserve it. Keep making music!

Sincerely,

Stephanie

Worried, Hopeful, and Scattered

Everything is good. I worry.

For a while, all I had been feeling was sadness. There were just so many wrong things happening in my life. Now, everything's taken a full turn-around. Everything's gotten better: the heartbreak, the loneliness, the pain, the worry, the failures. All better. Not perfectly ok, but better. All it took was three years.

And here's where I start to worry:

I learned early on in my life not to get my hopes up. I mean, what's the point of trying if there's a high chance it's not going to work or pay off in the end? Yes, I'll admit that's a very pessimistic way to think, but that's the way it was for a long time. I was and still am used to disappointment. It's fairly inevitable when you think about it. Life always seems to end up hurting someone, whether it's yourself or another when it's all said and done.

I haven't been happy like I am now for a long time. Sure, I still have those dreadful times where I fall apart and give up; I've learned to accept that that's just a part of me now and I don't know how to stop it, no matter how much I hate it.

Lately, there's always been someone there to pick up the pieces of my shattered self and attempt to put them back together again. I haven't had that for a long time in the same way I have it now.

Sometimes, I get scared. Why do they care? How can they care? It's hard not to be a skeptic towards these people when I'm so used to being let down. That's why I don't trust people very easily anymore. Every time I do, they're never afraid to find a way to break my trust without feeling an ounce of guilt within themselves.

But these people are here to look out for me. One of them, someone who's become very close to me, asked me if I trust them. I thought about this for a bit. I realized that I trust them more than I've trusted most people in the last three years. Although I still don't trust this individual one-hundred percent, I'm not afraid to admit that they're up there on the scale.

Even my relationship with my family has changed. I'm very different from them in a variety of ways, therefore, I don't confide in them with comfort. Lately, though, something's happened that brought us to become a bit more connected. I don't know what it was or when it happened. All that I know is that this change was necessary. For all of us. What I hope for now is that this new bond that has recently come to be will continue to grow stronger. Maybe that way, they'll understand who and what I am with less confusion and judgement. I have a lot of secrets, and at the moment, I don't believe my family would accept me because of them. I want this to change.

I guess all that I'm wondering now is why these new people I've found, the ones that care, do so. Blame it on low self-esteem, but I don't see how anybody living in this selfish reality we're forced to survive would even put a single thought towards me, let alone want to be there for me during my worst. After all that I've been through and the pain I've endured, it's hard to believe there's much good left in our generation. But I proved myself wrong because I've found this 'good.' It exists.

I'll wait till the end to see the results. Then I will know who is really there to stay. At least one of them has to be.

This gives me hope: The fact that one day, I'll find someone who will always be around. Just for me. We will belong to each other. Maybe it will be a best-friend, maybe a lover, maybe someone who I've really known all my life. I look forward to that day with happiness, because that will be the day I will finally fill that hole in my heart; the day I will become me again.

Message To Darling

Oh, my Darling,

You've let yourself go.

How much we'd miss you,

You'll never know.

Perhaps it is nonsense,

Maybe you're just a mess.

Your burdens are calling,

They tug at your dress.

Such a shame,

The harm society can do.

We've all fallen in,

All the talk is never new.

But if you sing

Just to hear your voice,

The birds will listen,

They don't have a choice.

The Day I Lost My Best Friend

March 10, 2012.

Sheba.

She heard all of my songs first. She would sit and listen when I wanted to play her one or just when I needed to vent. She knew when I was upset and would come to snuggle. She also knew when it was time to wake up and time to go to bed. I don't know how she knew these things. Sandpaper tongue and wet nose. I was mildly allergic.

She stopped eating and using the litter-box. Kidney failure since she was 7 years old. She's 17 now; it won't change anymore. She couldn't even walk anymore. She was old; it was time. Even if I didn't want to believe it.

On the way back from the vet, my mother made a comment on how Sheba is now in heaven watching us. I looked out the window. Through my tears, I could have sworn I saw the shape of her paw in the clouds with the sun in the middle of it. I'm so stupid.

Sheba. My best friend.

Hairbands and Elastic Principles

Let me ask you a question: Have you ever gotten less than thirteen hours of sleep during a span of three days? I have, and the result it not pretty. Everybody loves an emotional wreck, am I right?! This past week was an extremely exhausting one for me. I spent many nights lying awake at near two in the morning with nothing else but my laptop to keep me entertained whilst I tried to find some sort of sleepiness inside myself. I decided a few nights ago, during my period of sleep deprivation, that it would be a good idea to write something for my blog and try to shake my never ending curse of writer's block. In hindsight, that was a terrible idea. The following is what I ended up with. I really don't even know…

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to wander aimlessly through a dark space void? I haven't either, but now I am. It's basically a spa day for people who don't like to ride horses. My mom makes me eat steak and spinach because she thinks I need iron. The steak stares me in the eyes and laughs at my look of disgust. I would love to become a vegetarian, but then I remember I love bacon. Wind chimes are pretty cool. The newts are climbing the walls of the tank again. Because we cleaned it. A year ago. Through my silver tears, I can see the golden aura of all that is good and the blockaded skis above all that is the opposite. Why does my cat eat her cat litter? She's sick. It makes me sad. Can I ask you a question? Just kidding, I just did. Fooled you. Bet you didn't see that coming. I've recently started texting. I never text anyone. But now he's texting me so I have to respond! Why is my hair straightener sideways? I got a Webkinz for Christmas. Ashley, you're the best. If only I could breathe underwater. I'd be, like, the coolest kid ever. Or maybe just a freak-show in the circus. Or in a government laboratory. My mother once crocheted a pillow. There's a stupid red mark on my face and I don't like it. His glasses look good on him. Sometimes I like to imagine I'm in a forest. What's the definition of 'art?' Why do I use apostrophes as quotes? Why did the little mermaid wear seashells? Because she couldn't fit into D-shells. That's a knee slapper. Who even slaps their knee anymore? I do. Ingo is one of the best books ever. Lauren gave it too me in grade 6. Look. I wrote the number 6 instead of the word. I just did it again. That's because the llama-corn told me to. MY HEAD HURTS. I promise it's not drugs. I lied. It's the DRUG OF LOVE. Love for all the cats out there. I'm here for you. I see the stars and they are waving at me with their little tiny star arms. They told me to tell you they say 'hi.' I still have an opened Kleenex box from 3 years ago. This isn't L.A. class. English class. Same thing. Americans call Rockets candies Smarties. They aren't Smarties. Smarties are Smarties. Rockets are not Smarties. Google it. Bing it. I'm trying to get that to become a trend. Next time somebody asks you a question, tell them to Bing it. Not Google. Google's too mainstream for my hipster mind. Kennedy, you're also the best. Thank you again for the envelope. This concludes my awkward thank-you post. Who in the name of LaFawnduh gets writer's block for four months. See that time I wrote out the number 4. But that time I didn't. See the difference? Taste the difference. Taste the rainbow. Skittles are good, but they make my tongue hurt. I always spell tongue wrong. Spell check! I hear music! That's what headphones do! AAh! BAILEY WE ALL LOVE YOU. DON'T GIVE UP. I WOULD MISS YOU WITH ALL MY BUTT BECAUSE MY BUTT IS BIGGER THAN MY HEART. My heart is tired. Leopluradon's handbag was stolen. How's he suppose to text velociraptor and spinosaurus not to eat the baby brontosaurus now? Leopluradon has fins. How does he do it? My French teacher has lost her mind. I miss my cousin because I haven't seen him in a long time and he's now in Mongolia. Let's all plan a trip to Jordan so I can achieve my life long dream. You probably don't want to. So that's ok. I'll settle for Indonesia if you're more comfortable with it. I'm slowly turning into a scuba diving hippopotamus. Are hippopotamuses/hippopotami dinosaurs? When I write on a PC and Word autocorrects me and that little lightning symbol keeps on popping up just to mock me and my mistakes and failures, I want to rage-quit croquet and earn a living in scooping ice-cream for the homeless. I'm hungry. I haven't eaten for days. Are trees supposed to grow in your bellybutton? Maybe I swallowed an apple seed! I am a mountaineer in the hills and highlands. I wish I was a piano genius. I spelled genius wrong three times. There I go again with typing numbers! How silly, that does sound! 'Typing numbers!' I don't remember the word for it. School obviously pays off. Who'd have thought. The ostrich thinks that it's better than all the other animals just because it can stick it's head in the ground. Dude. Just get a psychiatrist all ready. That's seriously a bad habit. Just tossin' a shout-out to all my homey G's and fellow thug-pugs out thuur! PUGG LYFE. I'm tough. Tuff. Tuft. Fur. Animal. Wolf. Forest. Trees. Canopy. Bed. Let's make a mind-map of all the possible connections! The phone! The phone is ringing! Ming-Ming, you're my hero. Why. I'm too old to watch that show. But you're never to old to tip your bike upside down, turn the pedal, and pretend you're selling popsicles! I'm yawning. What's the brain's process behind it all. He's too smart for me. So now you know how penguins can ride motor scooters. Any questions? And that's when it happened. He reached for her hand under the moonlit path and said something he never thought he'd hear himself say. Slowly, he bent down and looked her in the eyes. She smiled, showing her perfect teeth. Ready to tell her how he felt, he leaned in and whispered in her ear, 'I could really go for a taco.' 

This Is Me

I see the birds.

Do they know where they're going?

Do they know what they want?

Instinct is what they follow.

I am a bird.

I see the snow.

Why so cold?

Why does it let itself blow away?

Changes at the touch of one's hand.

I am the snow.

I see the stars.

What do they do with their existence?

What will happen when they disappear?

Blend in with the rest, but stand out with a closer look.

I am a star.

I see the animals.

Where do they go when they need help?

Where do they cry?

Hide the pain, show little emotion.

I am an animal.

Mount the Noble Steed of Courage

What is optimism, really? Is it being happy and being able to look on the bright side of everything all the time? Or is it being an emotional wreck, having everything in life be a displeasing challenge you want to end, and still being able to make it through by the skin of your teeth and not surrendering completely? I suppose it really just depends on how you look at it. Maybe it's both, I don't know. I will tell you what I do know, though. I am certain that being optimistic is not always as easy as it sounds.

I have a friend who always seems positive and full of energy, even when things are rough. Don't get me wrong; she does get sad, just like anyone else. She just doesn't let it destroy her.  Things usually end up good for her in the end, and I'm happy for her. Another friend of mine is completely the opposite. Life doesn't always treat her the best and when things finally start to turn around, she treats it as if it's too good to be true and barely believes her good luck. So very sad, it is.

I love them both equally, despite their contrasting attitudes.

And I, well, I am stuck somewhere in-between the two of them. Neither positive nor negative, and not quite neutral. Most of the time, I switch between outlooks. One minute I'll be cheerful and outgoing, the next I'm wanting nothing more than to sit alone and ponder life and all that's gone wrong. For some reason, I imagine myself separate from the rest of my friends. I don't particularly like feeling like this, but it's something I can't help.

I'm just different. Good or bad, I do not know. All that is certain is that the majority of my heart lies alongside something or someone I have yet to come across. I'm still on the quest to find who I am and what I'm meant for, if anything at all. 

An undying feeling of wanting to belong, and not necessarily to anyone in particular. To be a piece that fits into the jigsaw of life. That's what I feel, what I want. And so that is what I will attempt to do and receive.

I will embark on a journey of bravery, confusion, excitement, challenges, and sometimes sadness. As selfish as it sounds, I will get what I want. I complain about not having anything to look forward to, so this can be it! I will stare down the path of success, letting my gaze rest on the light at the end, and believe that I will get there no matter how long it takes.

I desire change. My heart is set on being more friendly, positive, and patient with certain individuals. Most importantly, I yearn to be content. I'm growing tired of the sorrow I seem to drag along with me everywhere I go.

My attitude is the only thing that stands between me and victory. Swords at the ready, we're set to begin the duel. I already know I will win. There aren't many things in this world that are entirely under my control, but my emotional outlook is definitely one. It's just taken me a while to see that.

Yeah! I can do this!