Worried, Hopeful, and Scattered

Everything is good. I worry.

For a while, all I had been feeling was sadness. There were just so many wrong things happening in my life. Now, everything's taken a full turn-around. Everything's gotten better: the heartbreak, the loneliness, the pain, the worry, the failures. All better. Not perfectly ok, but better. All it took was three years.

And here's where I start to worry:

I learned early on in my life not to get my hopes up. I mean, what's the point of trying if there's a high chance it's not going to work or pay off in the end? Yes, I'll admit that's a very pessimistic way to think, but that's the way it was for a long time. I was and still am used to disappointment. It's fairly inevitable when you think about it. Life always seems to end up hurting someone, whether it's yourself or another when it's all said and done.

I haven't been happy like I am now for a long time. Sure, I still have those dreadful times where I fall apart and give up; I've learned to accept that that's just a part of me now and I don't know how to stop it, no matter how much I hate it.

Lately, there's always been someone there to pick up the pieces of my shattered self and attempt to put them back together again. I haven't had that for a long time in the same way I have it now.

Sometimes, I get scared. Why do they care? How can they care? It's hard not to be a skeptic towards these people when I'm so used to being let down. That's why I don't trust people very easily anymore. Every time I do, they're never afraid to find a way to break my trust without feeling an ounce of guilt within themselves.

But these people are here to look out for me. One of them, someone who's become very close to me, asked me if I trust them. I thought about this for a bit. I realized that I trust them more than I've trusted most people in the last three years. Although I still don't trust this individual one-hundred percent, I'm not afraid to admit that they're up there on the scale.

Even my relationship with my family has changed. I'm very different from them in a variety of ways, therefore, I don't confide in them with comfort. Lately, though, something's happened that brought us to become a bit more connected. I don't know what it was or when it happened. All that I know is that this change was necessary. For all of us. What I hope for now is that this new bond that has recently come to be will continue to grow stronger. Maybe that way, they'll understand who and what I am with less confusion and judgement. I have a lot of secrets, and at the moment, I don't believe my family would accept me because of them. I want this to change.

I guess all that I'm wondering now is why these new people I've found, the ones that care, do so. Blame it on low self-esteem, but I don't see how anybody living in this selfish reality we're forced to survive would even put a single thought towards me, let alone want to be there for me during my worst. After all that I've been through and the pain I've endured, it's hard to believe there's much good left in our generation. But I proved myself wrong because I've found this 'good.' It exists.

I'll wait till the end to see the results. Then I will know who is really there to stay. At least one of them has to be.

This gives me hope: The fact that one day, I'll find someone who will always be around. Just for me. We will belong to each other. Maybe it will be a best-friend, maybe a lover, maybe someone who I've really known all my life. I look forward to that day with happiness, because that will be the day I will finally fill that hole in my heart; the day I will become me again.