It's funny how fast some things can change. One minute, I'm sitting all alone in math class laughing at the jokes some guy I've never met before keeps cracking, the next I end up texting him for three and a half hours straight. I'll be thinking about how he probably doesn't even know I exist and in a blink of an eye, I find out he likes me.
Now this is where things get difficult:
1. One of my best friends was just making fun of him with another one of our friends the other day, and it just makes her knowing about how I feel all the more awkward. I don't want her to laugh at me or make fun of me because of who I like. Her being my friend and all, I probably have nothing to worry about; but being the paranoid human being I am, I can't help but approach the situation with caution.
If there is one single thing in the world I hate to be insulted about besides my body, it would be about whom I find attractive. To be honest, I don't think anyone but myself should have a say in who I like since they aren't me. It really irks me when she's basically pretending to be all excited for me when in reality, I know she thinks it's weird.
2. I am both socially awkward and challenged and I'm definitely not the smoothest person around when it comes to guys. I'm used to having the guy I like end up laughing in my face and getting my heart broken in the end. For me, it's normal to have the only guys whom actually like me become creepy and want to follow me home even thought they know I don't feel the same. In no way am I actually used to having the guy I'm smitten by actually like me in return. In no way do I actually view myself as beautiful or pretty, or even worth the time it takes to get to know me. I think of myself as a helpless screw-up that anyone in their right mind would stay away from. I've gotten used to it.
I guess what I'm terrified of now is just the fact that I'll probably mess it all up. I've had two heartbreaks worth crying about so far in my sad excuse for a life and both of them were almost all my fault.
I was just trying to be nice because I didn't want to hurt him.
All I wanted was to find out the truth and to hear him say he was sorry.
And then it all came crashing down on top of me, leaving me with just enough room for the tears to slowly trickle down my face and disappear into the pile of rubble that is now my life.
The point I'm trying to get across here is that I'm scared. Scared to date; scared because I don't know how to date; scared to be happy; scared to love; scared to be loved; scared I'll ruin it all and make him hate me; scared of breaking his heart; scared of him breaking mine.
This is no proper way to live, but it's the way I unwillingly choose to. Cowering under the sheets, waiting for someone or something to make it all better and worth while. Now I may have possibly found that for the moment and all I want to do is go back into hiding.
3. My heart feels so mixed up inside. It's almost like a vehicle that has been sitting in the garage underneath a thick layer of dust getting dragged back out onto the open road. The brittle gears, rusted with all the complicated experiences they've ever had to endure, slowly start to move. Fresh oil is added and for the first time in a long time, the antique starts itself up again and takes the risk of breaking down just to venture out into the great unknown.
I feel as if I have nearly forgotten what it feels like to have that space in your heart occupied once again by someone new — someone different. That "fuzzy" feeling you get when you see him, the way it sometimes feels like there's no one else in the room except for you two when you talk to him, the feeling of possibly being wanted. I welcome it all back like I would an old friend: Openly, but with extreme caution, as if what I just did may come back to haunt me in the future.
All I can do now is hope that the chance I'm taking will pay off, at least for a little while, resulting in happiness. With him entering my life these past few days, I finally remembered what it felt like to have a real smile crawl upon my face. I can now recall the sensation of having a rosy blush spread throughout my cheeks — one that was not caused due to some embarrassing incident — simply because he asked for my phone number. It truly is funny how fast things can change.
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