Sunday, October 30, 2011

Why Must We Fall? (Owl City Blog Re-blog)

Being an avid reader of Adam Young's blog, I can't help but be touched and/or inspired by everything he posts. One specific post, however, has managed to capture my upmost attention for the second time. The post titled, "Why Must We Fall?" captivates me, making me travel into a very deep thought on life. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to place my finger on just what causes me to do so.

Without further ado, may I present to you, dear reader, "Why Must We Fall?", a re-blog from the Owl City Official Blog:





One of my favorite stories in the world is a short chapter taken from Austrian author Felix Salten’s incredible 1923 novel Bambi, a Life in the Woods. The story of the little deer itself is quite a bit darker and melancholy than the Disney movie, but if you find inspiration in anthropomorphic literature, I highly recommend it. The tale is pure, moral, sterling and virtuous — all things I find rare and unfamiliar among 95% of modern novels on today’s shelves.
Every year about the time the autumn leaves start falling, I dig Bambi out of my bookshelf because of a chapter concerning two introspective oak leaves entitled, Winter. It’s poignant and beautiful and I wilt and smile at the same time because Salten’s words benevolently remind me that life is fragile and even the smallest moments should be cherished dearly. I like how subjective and sobered I feel after reading the chapter. I can’t wait to read it to my son or daughter someday when he/she inquires about the subject of death (and even more excited to further explain that death isn’t the end for followers of Christ) but that’s another story.
A brilliant radio dramatization of the chapter recorded in the late 50’s by Ted Strasser:

The leaves were falling from the great oak at the meadow’s edge. They were falling from all the trees. One branch of the oak reached high above the others and stretched far out over the meadow. Two leaves clung to its very tip.
“It isn’t the way it used to be,” said one leaf to the other.
“No,” the other leaf answered, “So many of us have fallen off tonight we’re almost the only ones left on our branch.”
“You never know who’s going to be next,” said the first leaf. “Even when it was warm and the sun shone, a storm or a cloudburst would come sometimes and many leaves were torn off, though they were still young. You never know who’s going to be next.”
“The sun seldom shines now,” sighed the second leaf, “and when it does, it gives us no warmth. We must have warmth again.”
“Can it be true,” said the first leaf, “can it really be true that others come to take our places when we’re gone, and after them still others, and more and more?”
“It is really true,” whispered the second leaf. “We can’t even begin to imagine it, it’s beyond our powers.”
“It makes me very sad,” added the first leaf.
They were silent a while.
Then the first leaf said quietly to herself, “Why must we fall?”
The second leaf asked, “What happens to us when we’ve fallen?”
“We sink down.”
“What is under us?”
The first leaf answered, “I don’t know. Some say one thing, some another, but nobody knows.”
The second leaf asked, “Do we feel anything, do we know anything about ourselves when we’re down there?”
The first leaf answered, “Who knows? Not one of all those down there has ever come back to tell us about it.”
They were silent again. Then the first leaf said tenderly to the other, “Don’t worry so much about it, you’re trembling!”
“That’s nothing,” the second leaf answered, “I tremble at the least thing now. I don’t feel so sure of my hold as I used to.”
“Let’s not talk anymore about such things,” said the first leaf.
The other replied, “No, we’ll let be. But — what else shall we talk about?” She was silent, but went on after a little while. “Which of us will… which of us will go first?”
“There’s still plenty of time to worry about that,” the other leaf assured her. “Lets remember how beautiful it was, how wonderful, when the sun came out and shone so warmly that we thought we’d burst with life. Do you remember? And the morning dew and the mild and splendid nights?”
“Now the nights are dreadful,” the second leaf complained, “and there is no end to them.”
“We shouldn’t complain,” said the first leaf gently. “We’ve outlived many, many others.”
“Have I changed much?” asked the second leaf shyly but determinedly.
“Not in the least,” the first leaf assured her. “You only think so because I’ve got to be so yellow and ugly. But it’s different in your case.”
“You’re fooling me,” the second leaf said.
“No, really!” the first leaf exclaimed eagerly, “believe me, you’re as lovely as the day you were born. Here and there may be a little yellow spot, but it’s hardly noticeable and only makes you handsomer, believe me.”
“Thanks,” whispered the second leaf, quite touched. I don’t believe you, not altogether, but I thank you because you’re so kind. You’ve always been so kind to me. I’m just beginning to understand how kind you are.
“Hush,” said the other leaf, and kept silent herself, for she was too troubled to talk anymore.
Then they were both silent. Hours passed.
A moist wind blew, cold and hostile through the treetops.
“Ah, now,” said the second leaf, “I…”
And then her voice broke off. She was torn from her place and spun down.
Winter had come.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Unrealistic Expectations


There is something you should know about me: I don't like having expectations. Every time I decide to let loose and imagine the many possibilities of something, I always get let down. This is why every time someone curious enough asks me what I would look for in a potential lover, I would laugh and tell them that I'll take whatever I can get even though this statement is false.

Late nights of my entire life have been spent trying to picture my perfect partner. I still to this day cannot bring my mind to conjure up such precise details that would construct the face and body of my "dream guy." I can, however, state some (many) qualities that I would possibly (definitely) search for in someone I would consider picking first for a movie or some other luxury.

I'm not one to set such high standards or expectations of other people, but I believe that when it comes to a case where a human being could be someone you could live the rest of your life beside, it is acceptable to do so.

Behold: The list.

I want a guy that:

-Will write me a poem or just writes poems in general
-Wears cardigans
-Can make me laugh for real
-Enjoys vintage cartoons
-Doesn't take things too far too fast
-Won't make me feel pressured
-Will play board games with me
-Listens to music other than what's on the radio
-Plays an instrument
-Doesn't do drugs or smoke
-I can trust
-Won't hate me or think differently of me because of my secrets
-I can relate to
-Won't give up on me
-Respects me
-Respects my friends
-Isn't clingy, but isn't all over other girls
-Likes Pirates Of The Caribbean
-Won't tell me he loves me until at least a year and a half of dating
-Will call me beautiful every once in a while; not over-using it
-Will make me believe it
-Is a little less messed up than I am
-I can drink tea with
-Will like me for who I am
-Will give me some space, but will also ask me to hang out often
-Likes going for long walks
-Will watch the clouds with me
-Philosophizes
-Likes animals and kids
-Is quiet at first, but funny when you get to know him
-Will shove ice-cream in my face
-Will understand that I don't like to text and will find another way to contact me
-Won't kiss me until our fourth (or more) week of actually dating
-Will hold my hand
-Won't touch my butt. It creeps me out
-Enjoys getting dressed up
-Wears bow-ties
-Will match the colour of my clothes for special occasions
-Hates alcohol with the same passion I do
-Understands I despise calling people on the phone first
-Could break my heart, but wouldn't dream of it

Sunday, October 16, 2011

As The World Walks By


Imagine how many people you walk past or lay eyes on each day. You may know some of their names, but you may not be entirely aware of their story. The average person will come across hundreds of people each day and in such a populated area such as a mall, concert stadium, or city sidewalk, I wouldn't be surprised if that amount doubled or even tripled.

That young, blonde girl whom tells you the cost of the wool sweater you decided to purchase; the business man in the Fedora that bumps into you on the street, hurrying to some location unknown to you; the fat guy in the apron whom swipes your evaporated milk and canned bread across the scanner; the sad, old man huddled against the wall on the sidewalk, unshaved and dirty, asking for coins. Who are they, really?


It's enthralling to think of how I can see or meet plenty of people each day and I may never come across them again for the rest of my life. I probably won't even notice. Just like that, someone has beed disregarded and forgotten. You may not have known them, but they've been pushed aside all the same. Fascinating? Sad? Shocking? Confusing? All of the above?

Sometimes I like to watch people. Not in a creepy way, if that's even possible, but in a fashion strictly reserved for observation. I take note of how they walk or how their facial expressions change with the sights they see. I'll even allow my ears to catch fragments of conversations I'm not even a part of just to see what's going on in someone else's life. It catches me off guard, occasionally, the things one can pick up on when it comes to human behaviour. Some regular humans don't notice how some people's faces or eyes can give away the emotion of a thought they are having or how the shoulders of a stranger suddenly tense when they walk into a crowd. I find it interesting to see how someone can be comforted by something as small as holding something in their hands as they walk.

Still find it all a little peculiar? I don't blame you. I'm a peculiar person.


They say, whomever "they" may be, that every single person has a "twin" somewhere in the world; that there is another person out there living a normal life, completely unaware of your existence. My whole life has been spent wondering if this statement is true or not. There have been claims of people meeting their supposed twin and realizing how similar they are in appearance or personality, but then again, there have also been alleged sightings of dragons and unicorns. You never know what to believe these days.

My goal in life is to find my "sister-from-another-mister" and give her a high-five. That way, I can say I high-fived myself and not sound like the loser I usually come across as. Who knows? Maybe she's right where I'd least expect to find her…

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

I Am Broken

What happens when
You forget how to love?
Am I supposed to move on,
Or maybe give up?

Do I throw in the towel
And lay down to rest?
Or pretend it's alright,
Place my head on his chest.

If he doesn't know,
Can he really get hurt?
Then again, I shan't lie;
It just makes things worse.

Do I fake it and act
As though my heart is one whole?
Should I make myself an actress
And take on that role?

When your life is a mess
and is falling apart,
Survival is priority,
Forget my lousy heart.

What happens when
You forget how to love?
I just can't move on,
So instead I'll give up.


Sunday, October 02, 2011

I've Nearly Forgotten


It's funny how fast some things can change. One minute, I'm sitting all alone in math class laughing at the jokes some guy I've never met before keeps cracking, the next I end up texting him for three and a half hours straight. I'll be thinking about how he probably doesn't even know I exist and in a blink of an eye, I find out he likes me.

Now this is where things get difficult:

1.  One of my best friends was just making fun of him with another one of our friends the other day, and it just makes her knowing about how I feel all the more awkward. I don't want her to laugh at me or make fun of me because of who I like. Her being my friend and all, I probably have nothing to worry about; but being the paranoid human being I am, I can't help but approach the situation with caution.

If there is one single thing in the world I hate to be insulted about besides my body, it would be about whom I find attractive. To be honest, I don't think anyone but myself should have a say in who I like since they aren't me. It really irks me when she's basically pretending to be all excited for me when in reality, I know she thinks it's weird.


2.  I am both socially awkward and challenged and I'm definitely not the smoothest person around when it comes to guys. I'm used to having the guy I like end up laughing in my face and getting my heart broken in the end. For me, it's normal to have the only guys whom actually like me become creepy and want to follow me home even thought they know I don't feel the same. In no way am I actually used to having the guy I'm smitten by actually like me in return. In no way do I actually view myself as beautiful or pretty, or even worth the time it takes to get to know me. I think of myself as a helpless screw-up that anyone in their right mind would stay away from. I've gotten used to it.

I guess what I'm terrified of now is just the fact that I'll probably mess it all up. I've had two heartbreaks worth crying about so far in my sad excuse for a life and both of them were almost all my fault.

I was just trying to be nice because I didn't want to hurt him.

All I wanted was to find out the truth and to hear him say he was sorry.

And then it all came crashing down on top of me, leaving me with just enough room for the tears to slowly trickle down my face and disappear into the pile of rubble that is now my life.

The point I'm trying to get across here is that I'm scared. Scared to date; scared because I don't know how to date; scared to be happy; scared to love; scared to be loved; scared I'll ruin it all and make him hate me; scared of breaking his heart; scared of him breaking mine.

This is no proper way to live, but it's the way I unwillingly choose to. Cowering under the sheets, waiting for someone or something to make it all better and worth while. Now I may have possibly found that for the moment and all I want to do is go back into hiding.


3.  My heart feels so mixed up inside. It's almost like a vehicle that has been sitting in the garage underneath a thick layer of dust getting dragged back out onto the open road. The brittle gears, rusted with all the complicated experiences they've ever had to endure, slowly start to move. Fresh oil is added and for the first time in a long time, the antique starts itself up again and takes the risk of breaking down just to venture out into the great unknown.

I feel as if I have nearly forgotten what it feels like to have that space in your heart occupied once again by someone new — someone different. That "fuzzy" feeling you get when you see him, the way it sometimes feels like there's no one else in the room except for you two when you talk to him, the feeling of possibly being wanted. I welcome it all back like I would an old friend: Openly, but with extreme caution, as if what I just did may come back to haunt me in the future.

All I can do now is hope that the chance I'm taking will pay off, at least for a little while, resulting in happiness. With him entering my life these past few days, I finally remembered what it felt like to have a real smile crawl upon my face. I can now recall the sensation of having a rosy blush spread throughout my cheeks — one that was not caused due to some embarrassing incident — simply because he asked for my phone number. It truly is funny how fast things can change.