Only three more years. Three more years of being whatever I am now. A kid? A teen? A hopeless romantic? A loser? I don't know. All that I know for sure is that I'm suddenly so desperately afraid of loosing it.
This feeling all started last wednesday, as that day signalled the first day of high school. Yes, high school. Those memorable three years that everyone from fresh graduates to parents to seniors still recall and reflect upon whether it be good or bad. Call me crazy, but as soon as my feet crossed the threshold of the school, it felt as if my whole childhood flashed through my mind.
I saw my first trip to DisneyLand, the view I had from the naughty chair in kindergarten after I put Playdough in my friend's hair (and how she still gave me hugs after that), when it was still socially acceptable to use the facilities with the door wide open, the day in grade five when I lost the elephant charm on one of my necklaces, how I had the first and only fight to this day with my friend when we were in junior high, that stupid fight between my group of friends over a picture frame, the first day I laid my eyes on his beautiful face in grade seven, and how he still managed to break my heart in grade nine even though he wasn't even mine.
And then I was back beside my friend, laughing to hide the pain. The pain of the realization that I'm growing up. Obviously, I've always been aware that I'm getting older and it's not like I expected to stay nine years old forever, it's just that it all happened so fast. So remarkably fast. One minute I'm having the time of my life playing with Barbies with my brother, and the next I'm trying to block "his" face from reappearing in my mind as I'm trying to figure out trigonometry for the hundredth time. The contrast is obvious and so entirely sad.
I could go on forever about the changes, the memories, the pain of growing up, but why write seventeen novels when I can state everything I need to say in one sentence: I don't want to grow up.
I know the feeling. Actually it was just last night that I was coming back home from a jog and took alook around and realized, that even if I was given a chance to return to childhood, I wouldn't most likely go for it, but now I really even couldn't; There are places where I used to run around and play with my friends, and those places are now made into parking spaces or ultramodern playgrouds or else. It's kinda saddening, when you think about it, but not nearly as bad as thinking that the older you grow, the faster the time seems to fly. Bittersweet.
ReplyDeleteI agree. I'm glad to know I'm not alone when it comes to these thoughts or emotions.
ReplyDelete^.^ <---me . that is all.
ReplyDelete