Your Name

I write your name in the mirror

through the thick layer of steam;

I write your name on the glass

and when the sun shines, it gleams.

I write your name on test papers

where my name belongs;

I write your name in my notebook

where I hide all my songs.

I write your name in the dust

scattered over the shelf;

I write your name in the heart

right next to myself.

Don't Worry; Be Happy

Sometimes I feel so ashamed. Not because of the mistakes I've made or the pile of remorse stacked in the back of my mind, but because I take much less time than what I should spend to appreciate Earth and all it's glory.

These past few weeks, I have been rather stressed about many events that were very personal. When I get upset over something, my mind tends to bring back past problems that occurred in my life, resulting in my frustration being ten times worse than it needs to be. I become lost in a dark, lonely place that only I can go. It grabs hold of me and welcomes me into it's depths in the most unfriendly way possible. Pulled in too deep for escape, I become trapped in this endless pit of misery that I like to call "my mind." But that's only when I'm in a bad mood. Fun, right?

Now, however, the majority of stress has been removed from it's temporary resting place on my shoulders. I feel light, pushing aside the fact that I never lost weight; in fact, I probably gained weight from all the chocolate I ingested (I basically inhale the melting squares of deliciousness when I'm agitated).

Doesn't my life seem so appealing, like you'd just want to switch places with me for a while? No. And that's exactly my point. I have an annoying tendency to pay attention to all the bad things in life when really, my focus should be on Earth's beauty. I am adding the time it takes to appreciate the good in life to my list of very important and life-changing goals; you know, things like own a plastic lawn flamingo, use a "spork", be part of a flash mob. Yeah. Things of that high relevance.

The world is truly fascinating. There are so many places to see, whether it be across the globe, or right across the street. I need to remember that most of the things I have, I don't necessarily need and there are people who have nothing and are still happier than I. My family, home, friends, food, clothing; those are just the basics, and even having them in my possession isn't always enough. Nature is the source of elation. It is the founder of true wealth. Man can build himself up to be all he wants to be. He can earn himself a position of authority or a higher social status. All the money in the world could be in his possession, stuffed into the giant safe in the rear of his outstandingly huge solid gold mansion. Yet, he will never feel pure jubilation unless he takes even a single moment in the day to enjoy Earth. Enjoy living. 

Materialized luxuries are great, don't get me wrong. They increase our quality of life and can also allow us to rejoice faster. However, it is crucial to remember that even a man with nothing but the street alleyway he lives in can be filled with more ecstasy (no, not the drug, the feeling…although you never know with some folks these days…) than one whom believes they have all to be had. Sometimes it can be hard to find simple allure in life, as it was for me. No matter how cheesy it sounds, the only way to discover euphoria is to believe that it is and will always be there, waiting, prospering, radiating hope.

A Predicament

There are four major guys in my life right now:

1. He likes me but I don't know how I feel about him.

2. I find this boy very attractive, but we've never gone as far as smiling at each other in the hallways.

3. This boy is the one I want so badly to love, but I can't quite bring myself to gather that fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach. He seems almost like a brother — not what I want.

4. I love this guy. He hurt me terribly. I can't forgive him, nor can I get over the immense feelings I hold towards him.

It is interesting, how the world of love works.

Boy #1 just confessed his feelings for me and claimed to never hurt me. I told him I needed to think about all that is going on (meaning the other guys). Boy #2. Well, there's not much to say about him. The most interaction we've ever shared was when he added me on Facebook. Yeah, it got pretty intense. Boy #3 is the same one I wrote about in my first post titled My Inspiration. As previously mentioned, he is more like a brother to me. Everything about him is what I would want in a potential love, but, I'm not sure what to do about it. Or even if there's anything I can do. Boy #4 is the one I wrote about in Utterly Stupid Vulnerability. It's remarkably hard to put the experiences and emotions into words but after hours of editing, that post was what I ended up with. It was surely the entry I spent the most time on. It was worth it.

I'm so confused about who I should let go or if I should consider one boy over the others.

For Kennedy.

Today. Today was different. Today, I felt happy and loved the entire day and it's all thanks to one person; the only one who has come closest to understanding me.

It happened this morning. She gave me an envelope. However, this was no ordinary envelope. On it was, well, it made me smile like a squirrel eating a peanut:

Front

Back

Inside the lovely envelope (which, by the way, already made me extremely happy) was quotes and a picture of a cat dressed as a chicken (as I said, she understands my personality pretty well). I had tears in my eyes because I didn't think anyone would be willing to bother to do something like this for me and I had laughter in my words as I read through all the quotes:

This is just half of them.

So to you, dear friend whom I value too strong for words, I say "thank you." Thank you for always being there for me, for listening and understanding everything I'd say and even the things I didn't. You always know what to do and say and I am extremely grateful to have you as a friend. I hope we will still be close throughout the next years of our lives, but even if we aren't, please know that I will never forget you and the things you have done.

With Love

Utterly Stupid Vulnerability

I always thought that we had a lot in common. From the things we shared with each other and could relate to, I wouldn't think it impossible for us to pass as siblings. But that's not what I wanted. I wanted to be more than a sister to him. Now looking back, I'm pretty sure he wanted different things. A different person. One of my best friends. And he was willing to go behind my back to get her.

Technically, we met two years ago, in French class. I wish I'd known right then not to trust him the great amount that I did. If only I'd known he be the first to break not just my heart, but something much more deep and hidden from most people in my life. The day I actually got to meet and talk to him was during last year on the first day of school, as he was placed in the same class as I. I'll admit, the first few days I would occasionally find him to be a slight annoyance, but by the start of the second week of school, I was already falling for him. I hate to say it like that because I'm still very young and not even allowed to date; what do I know about this kind of compassion, about love.

Still, my world began to revolve around him. I was constantly thinking about him and did lots of things in an attempt to impress him (to my surprise, some even worked). Every time I saw him or heard his name in some conversation that may not have even involved me, I would get that feeling. It started deep in my stomach, working it's way out, getting stronger with seconds until it got to the point where I couldn't stop smiling and I'd loose myself in thoughts during classes and conversations. I would feel so light and giddy.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about the boy, I'd have exactly one dollar because I thought about him once and never stopped. Some may call this feeling "Love." I call it "Utterly Stupid Vulnerability."

When he turned, I felt like I'd lost him. Like I'd lost myself. The things we told each other, the secrets we shared, the pinky-promises we made; all gone. I have never been able to trust anyone so full-heartedly until I met him. I never felt alone because some of the things I was going through or felt, he was experiencing as well. I didn't even care if he liked me back. I was just happy I had someone almost like me. Almost.

The only bad thing was that he was a complete jerk to my friends. I should have known that was a bad sign, but I just excused it. I believed he would change. He changed, alright, just not in the way I wanted.

In the end, this boy who was my world ended up telling the girl I had been friends with since grade one that I hated her. Not true. And she ended up turning all my previous friends completely against me. That included a girl I had been friends with since pre-school. We were going to be friends forever, that is, if  "forever" ended nine and a half months ago. Not fair. And to make it all worse, I went through half the school year and the entire summer until I found out.

To this day, this boy is a complete jerk most of the time. He makes me so mad that I'll even start crying. Despite this, I'm still not over him. After all, it is hard to forget about a person you trusted your life with. He did teach me a valuable lesson, however: Watch who you trust because sometimes people can change as fast as a strobe light.

I've never truly loved someone unconditionally, but the closest I've ever gotten to it was him.

Inner Demon

I hate what I am becoming and the temptations I feel. It's not what I'm used to nor whom I thought I was. Anger overwhelms me and in my mind, the only way out is violence. Or writing. But I don't always have access to the latter.

Lately, I've been finding that I get frustrated or extremely angry at people for the silliest, smallest, and stupidest things. I can get so worked up over one matter that if anybody does a single thing that bothers me just a little, I snap. Of course, you don't usually see this on the outside. It's like a calm before the storm situation. One minute I'll be completely quiet and reserved, and as soon as someone does something to push me just a little further, I'll be shouting.

Sometimes I get so worked up about something that I find a desire to hurt or injure the cause of my annoyance. Severely. I hate it.

I don't think that it's necessarily anger management issues, just that I don't usually show anger around anyone and I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. After holding it in for so long, the need to explode into a billion different rants about things that happened a year ago becomes something that's getting harder and harder to hide away and gain control of.

I don't even want to talk about it in detail because I fear the things I see myself doing to certain individuals in my head. What's wrong with me?

Underrated, Underestimated.

I'm tired to being expected to portray that certain image that almost every teenage girl strives for. So what if I prefer to wear my hair in a pony-tail? And last time I checked, it's ok, if not normal, to have never had a boyfriend by the age of fourteen. I'll admit that it does sound silly to hide from boys who have tried to ask me out, but I'm just not ready or in need of a boyfriend. Why would you even care that I listen to my iPod every time I get the chance, giving the impression that I'm obsessed with it and Owl City (which is often what is playing)? No, I don't wear eyeliner or mascara on the bottom of my eye, but that doesn't give you an excuse to make fun of me for it. Or any of these things. I'm trying my hardest to ignore these defeating comments, but it's getting really hard. And when you mix all this with every other bit of drama and sadness in my life, it really begins to beat at me. Break me down until I'm hanging by half a thread that's being cut at by the minute.

There. I finally put into words how I feel about how the people around me treat and act towards me. Most of the comments like or relating to this come from my friends, and occasionally my family. Surprisingly, I don't think I've ever had a "hate comment" from someone who hasn't been my friend. How's that for a sudden realization. I guess that really says something about the people I apparently like to be around. I use the word "apparently" because I haven't really felt any real emotion besides loneliness or sadness in a while. At least, I think that's how I felt. I'm really not sure.

I don't know why I stick to these people instead of confronting them about the things they say and do. Maybe it's because I've had friend troubles in the past. Maybe it's because of "him," that I've shrunk down and refused to enlarge my circle of companions and learn to trust again. But that leads to a different tale of lies, secrets, back-stabbers, and jerks. Not what I'm trying to get at here.

I think that's it's quite plain and out-there that I am not like some of the other girls my age. Unfortunately, they still don't know that. Perhaps they don't even care. They don't want to take the time to get to know me, to learn that I write in my free time; I admire the friend who just so happens not to make fun of me; music means a lot to me, as does reading; I tend to hide my emotions to my breaking point; I'm still not over him; I'm tired of being next-to-best; I fantasize about conversations of events that I know for a fact will never happen; or that I'm a true romantic just afraid of romance. Quite silly, I'm aware. But, they just don't care. Either that, or they merely don't notice that I find the amount of attention they give to be quite disrespectful. I think I'll take the latter.