Me-Time

Personal space is very important to me. In fact, I may even consider it a necessity. If I don't set out a moment in every day to just sit back, listen to music, and think by myself, well, my mood may be thought of as very unpleasant. The usual symptoms of my lack of space are not talking and what my mother would describe as an "unpleasant demeanour". The unfortunate part of all of this is that most people never seem to understand how much this "me-time" means to me.

Through all the hustle-and-bustle of my everyday life, it is extremely hard to find this special time to reflect upon all the events in my life. These events may include topics such as:

Family, friends, enemies, jealousy, anger, drama, aliens, what I had for breakfast yesterday, understanding the world around me, and of course—boys.

The times when I get the least amount possible of personal space is on vacations. Most people would think that vacations are the best times to think and relax. Not when you're with my family. No matter what I do (or don't do), I am constantly judged or questioned on it. For example:

-I am on my computer.

Mother-"Are you 'Facebooking'? Who are you talking to? What are you doing if you're not on Facebook? Why don't you ever help out around the house? NO, you don't, so stop saying you do! I DON'T WANT THAT BACKTALK FROM YOU! I AM YOUR MOTHER AND YOU'LL DO WHAT I TELL YOU!"

-I finally get time to myself.

Both parents-"Get off your lazy butt and do something! You need to be fit and healthy and sitting around listening to music isn't exactly contributing to that!"

Now you can see how it escalades and usually ends up on a completely different topic than it was to begin with. At the end of these wee arguments, I usually end up in my room, crying. Unfortunately, this happens almost every day. Usually, however, I do get my special time to reflect each day, even if it is only for a few minutes. It's better than none at all. My personal time is the sacred time I use to focus and steady my emotions for the day following. It keeps me balanced and in check. I honestly have no idea what I would do if personal space was limited even more than it already is. And I don't ever want to find out.

My Worst Fear

I know I should be ready, but alas, I am not. Not ready work, not ready to drive, not ready to leave, not ready to move on , not ready to grow up. I get like this quite frequently, although I'm not quite sure why. It is incredibly hard to put how I feel about growing up into the right words, so I apologize ahead of time if you end up leaving this vent of  mine more flustered than you were to begin with.

It all started during the transition from elementary school to junior-high school. For most people, this would not be very difficult. I don't even know if "difficult" is the right word to describe my first experience of moving forward in life. Back in grade six, everything was fun and everybody was friends with each other. There was no lying, backstabbing, or cheating. Nobody had trust issues and the definition of dating was sitting together at lunch and pushing each other on the swing set.

In retrospect, I guess it's fair to say that I didn't know very much about life. But I still would prefer to have it that way. On the last day of grade six, the last day of elementary, the last day of everything I knew, I cried. I cried probably a lot more than what was considered normal (but I reckon I still sometimes do that). I was devastated. I felt like I was being abandoned by familiarity and drowning in the unknown. I felt this all the way into grade seven, the start of junior-high, to the beginning of grade eight. That was when I had mostly moved past my elementary life, but that was also when I began to understand and discover new feelings of confusion and sadness. This was when I actually sat down and thought about how fast my life was going by. To this day, I still feel unsettled when I ponder this mystery of how fast everything comes and goes. It's quite a depressing thought, actually.

Life is like race-cars and a never-ending track filled with them. Some of the cars crash and create speed-bumps or obstacles that the rest of the cars need to get around. Sometimes they stop and need to think about their next maneuver. Sometimes they cheat and cut across the track. It always comes back to bite them in the bumper (metaphorically speaking), however, and they need to start all over again, having learned the lesson. The competition keeps the cars moving, but it can also slow them down. They get discouraged and want to quit, and only time will tell if they do or not.

Next year, I am going into grade ten - the first year of high school. Yes, the always dreaded High School. Where all the horrible things from junior high that you've finally forgotten come back all over again just to double the pain. Or at least that's what I've heard. Honestly, I have no idea what to expect. Many opinions on high school have been shared and discussed, most of them being positive. Then again, as mentioned earlier, I have issues with moving on. These people don't. I am not like them and they are not like me. Perhaps that is a good thing because the world would have a hard time handling any more "me"s and all the depth and confusion that is included in the package. The kind of three-for-one deal nobody wants.

Anyway, back on the point, I have found one way to relieve myself of all the stress I get from growing up and it comes in the form of music. The first time I heard this song, my jaw was on the floor and I was utterly speechless. Utterly smitten. I couldn't believe that I could actually relate to something. I listened to it again, only this time, I found myself literally bawling because I finally understood what I was feeling. I was feeling lonely. You are probably wondering the name of this song I speak so fondly of. It is suitably titled "Never Grow Up" by the one and only, Taylor Swift. This song really hit home with me. It feels good to know that there is someone who feels the same, who has a mutual feeling. Thank you, Taylor Swift.

I conclude this vent by saying that I am still not ready to grow up and I don't believe I ever will be. I fear too many things in the future that most people are excited for. The older I get, the more I try to impress everyone else in my life, only resulting in me getting hurt. The bright side of this is that this leads me to think about everything from a different perspective; sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Either way, it aids me in becoming a better and wiser person. I discover new things about myself and then I am just that much closer to figuring out who I really am inside. I just need to learn to face the fact that I will grow up because I have no choice. Loosing my childhood. My worst fear.

All I want is to be able to make myself proud and the only way to do that is if I let myself stop fearing what is coming towards me at an alarming pace. It's not going to be easy.

My Inspiration

I know a boy. A boy that, to me, stands out from all the rest in the best way possible. Although he has no idea, I look up to him with a great deal of respect partly because he is taller that me, but mainly because of what he does.

I've always heard that every person has a calling, or a "purpose", if you will. This boy I know, well, his purpose is music. Now, when most people think of music, they think of their favourite song or the brand-new hit sweeping the nation. However, the first thing that pops into this boy's mind is:

Music. I wish I could be making a song right now, instead of writing this irritating science exam.

Yes. He creates music. And this is the reason I look up to him so immensely. 

The first of this boy's many talents is the ability to skillfully master the guitar. Last time I asked, he told me he'd been playing the guitar for 7 years. I, myself, had just started playing approximately a little more than a year ago and I must say, hopefully without sounding to self-absorbed, that I am actually at a level of satisfactory. Now, that being said, imagine how superb this boy is on guitar after all the time he has played. In fact, the only reason I am still taking lessons today is because of him. I want to be just as good as him. Simple as that. This was the first impact this boy left on me.

However, that is only the beginning.

The other and perhaps more astounding area of this boy's musical aptitude is when he uses a computer to devise the sounds i adore. The website, Notessimo, was where it all got started. I have tried this site myself, and as embarrassed as I am to admit it, Notessimo confuses me greatly. I understand that it is not difficult for most, but for me, fairly new to the world of creating music, I still have a long way to go. At the moment, I am still beginning my quest to create and execute music that is at least half as amazing as this boys. I am still a "n00b" when it comes down to it all. But I will not quit, because as I have previously mentioned, this boy inspires me to "keep on truckin' " and not to give up on something I love.

FL Studio 9 is the name of the software he is using at the current time. I am fairly aware of this product because it is the software Adam Young, more commonly referred to as Owl City, used when he first started out and may even still be using(I am a pretty big fan of Adam's music). Anyways, I am familiar enough with FL Studio to know that it is (or at least should be) for more serious musicians. Serious musicians with the kind of knack and passion for music that this boy has. He has a website where he posts his ingenious creations from both Notessimo and FL Studio; a website in which I keep in my "favourites" tab and visit quite frequently.

I wish this boy all the luck in the future so that he will reach success wherever his zeal may take him. I want so badly to apprise him of how highly I think of him, but I cannot bring myself to say it to his face (hence the reason I write this now). Someday, maybe I'll be brave enough to release my thoughts and feelings to this boy, or at least give him the link to this vent of mine, but for now, I'll leave that for him to figure out. I honestly think I make his task a lot simpler by the way I act when I talk to him or even by the look I get on my face when I see him in the hallways at school. His spirit is contagious. I hope he knows how much he matters to me.

Good luck, my inspiration.

P.S. Here's a link to all of his amazing songs:

http://notessimo.net/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=537